I think I am starting to narrow down the topics I want to discuss on this blog. This is one of them; my health. My health and all of the things that go with it…or have been left behind because of it.
I was diagnosed heart failure/cardiomyopathy almost five years ago. I don’t know if anyone else does this, but I had convinced myself that there was a time line to figuring out my new limitations, new life…and care for a newborn and their older sibling. Yep….that was going to be easy right? Yes…those of you who know, can both laugh at me and nod your head in understanding. I did not want my life to change.
I tried so hard to keep my pace. I went back to work after having an ICD inserted. I was already told that Massage Therapy (as I once was Licensed) was out of the question. Even though, I had already set my mind on moving into something less active but still in the holistic healing realm….I coudln’t believe that this was it. I now did not have a choice. Speak something in to the universe…and…well…it delivers. A prime example of be careful what you wish for scenario. I tried to continue working at the Spa in a administrative capacity….that just wasn’t happening. All my energy when to trying to make my job…well…bearable.
Who am I if I don’t work? What is my worth if I can’t be a provider? How do I explain to people that I stay at home? So…now…I figured…well…if I am going to stay at home. I am going to do it all. I am going to have the house spotless, keep up on laundry, have dinner made…all of it. This will be what I conquer, what I do, how I provide. Yep….that also didn’t work. No energy to be with my family…and…still struggling to even clean one room. Not too mention, figuring out medication, a newborn, having a weight restriction and limited range of motion with my left arm because of the ICD…and healing. Ya know…no big deal.
So the first year was keeping baby alive as is normal after giving birth. Second year, coming to terms that I needed to creat a new phase in my life. There was a lot of mourning. A lot of frustration. Really coming to terms with what I needed, what I couldn’t do, what I needed help with. I also needed to admit it to myself and to others. Pride is probably the hardest pill I have ever had to swallow…and I take some large pills on the regular. The third year…was looking at all the YouTube’s and Pinterest images; how do I make things simpler, easier, more minimal. While I am still an advocate for minimalism, and am trying to get there…it’s a process. So..I found a groove…the only problem…I was still too tired for my family. Most of the time I couldn’t even finish dinner. I would prep, my husband would have to cook. I wanted to do everything without a nap, without rest. I was putting myself in danger that way in so many ways. The fourth year…again…redefining my boundaries, finding a schedule that worked, and noticing the things that were most important…REST, and nutrition.
We are coming up on five years. Here is what I have learned/learning/practicing. Maybe this will help many of you that are struggling with balance. I had to figure out what was most important for me. They are in no particular order: nutrition, rest, my family, a clean house (sometimes this comes first because it flairs up my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is it gets to out of control…clutter is the biggest issue). How do I balance all of these things to get what I need and what my family needs? We were looking for a house; I needed to figure out what I needed. Bathroom on every floor, enough storage, dishwasher, laundry on first floor, and other various things.
I started to realize that my relationship with food was not so great (more details in another blog). When I started focusing on what was good for my body, my heart, and my digestion things started looking up.
Rest…this still is difficult. Still exhausted, still feel like sleeping all day would be my best option. I wake up early to get my self-care in before the kids wake up, get them off to school, come back and nap….2 hours.
How do we keep the house from getting out of hand? Teamwork and communication has been key for that. The whole family pitches in. Even the littles take on some things…every little bit helps…even if it’s just them putting their dirty dishes away. Also…finding a cleaning schedule that works for me…getting what I can do done, and plenty of rest. ‘
The final thing is a support system. It’s finding the people that make time for me, that help me without judgement. People that I can be vulnerable with. It’s super important. So,,.here is where I leave you. In the next few blogs I will go through, in more detail about my adventure in each step. Thanks for listening!! Thanks for taking the time out to read!!